I am a dreamer. If you have followed me for the past two years, you would know that. I dream big and I have a lot of ambition, but one of the craziest things about me is that I am constantly having weird dreams. So, I wanted to write this blog to share with you all the life of an immigrant who is constantly dreaming about her life and family. And because I want to know if I am crazy or if you all have similar dreams.
It’s good to have dreams and aim big in life, but let's talk about the real dreams we have at night. I honestly don’t know what to call mine. Sometimes they feel more like a nightmare instead of a dream and they all seem to be very realistic. As I mentioned, I am constantly dreaming about my family and career. It’s crazy how these dreams affect me so much.
Moving to NYC was not my first decision. My parents decided that I should move here (instead of Argentina, the place I chose) and after their decision, I used to dream of being in NYC and not knowing if I said bye to my friends, if I got to see them and give them one last hug before moving to a new country without knowing how long for. I had this kind of dream many times before moving to New York and I used to wake up crying like a baby even though I knew that I wanted to move to the US.
A few months after moving to the big apple, realizing that I love this city and I’m not going back home, I had to go through the visa process again, and figure out what I was going to do with my life and career, so the dreams changed a bit. I used to wake up crying because I dreamed of being back home in Brazil and not being able to come back to NYC. How crazy is that? First I dreamed of being here without the wish of being here, then I dreamed of being back home while my only desire was to make my life in America…
I still have dreams like that. Sometimes I wake up crying or feeling anxious because I dreamed of being in Brazil and not in the US. The last dream I had was about me hanging out with my parents at their house and then I asked my mother “when is my ticket back to NYC?” and she said that she didn’t have my ticket back to New York. I am not kidding when I tell you that my first reaction was to think “what about my house there? I need to go back to work, I need to pay rent! What am I going to do with all my clothes that are in NY?” and then I woke up. No jokes, that is how the last dream went… This might seem funny, but I woke up having the worst anxiety attack.
I think anyone who is not from NYC, but moves here and ends up loving this city will understand me. It is such a love or hate relationship with this city and you get so drowned in this city's options, lifestyle, hustle, etc that you never want to leave. For an immigrant who built an entire career and life in New York, the feeling of losing it all in a blink of an eye is just never gone. Is the feeling that we constantly carry with us, even when we know we are all good and nothing can take our achievements away.
One of the craziest things about this feeling is that even having dreams about my family and constantly missing them, I wouldn’t change my life and go back to Brazil. I keep having dreams about being with my horse, my cat, and my parents. The dreams changed a little bit after Bruno died and now I mostly dream about him, seeing him and giving him a hug which makes me wake up crying like a baby. I remember that the last time I had a dream about him I woke up crying and that ruined my day.
It’s so crazy to think that my subconscious is telling me that I miss home and my family but, at the same time, my consciousness is telling me that I made the right decision and I love my life in NYC. No wonder people always say that it is a love and hate relationship with this city! Can anybody else relate to this? Am I crazy? I want to hear from you guys what is your experience with moving to New York, what are the dreams and feelings you hold the most?
The main reason why I started the IMMIGRANT SERIES is that I wanted to inspire and show immigrants that they are not alone. Giving tips about how to build a life and career in the US is something I try doing because it is important but posts like this are the main reason why I created this blog series. You might think you are alone in your craziness, but you are not! I hope this kind of post makes you see that, and I hope it helps you to stay focused on your path.
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